fuck'em if they can't take a joke.


Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002

i guess you could say that i never knew what i was doing until i arrived there. fumbling and bumbling, i met myself with closed fists and disgraceful arms.

it was about six in the morning on a wednesday, and i'd been up all night ... not at griggs but at my own single dorm room in kenmore square ... smoking camel after camel and desperately pounding at the keyboard fishing for the last five pages of a twenty page assignment. my veins brown with caffeine, and my throat numbed with nicotine. the sun began to come up, and i began to panic for no real reason ... i couldn't breathe or move or open my clenched eyes. my hands shook as i stood in the middle of my tiny room, an orange glow of morning bathing what appeared to be quite a shattered oracle.

finally, a few minutes later, one foot moved in front of the other toward the only window in my room that faced out over kenmore. my small fire escape balcony put bars on the dawn, and just then, as i reached to open the window, a small spark of white light appeared on the corner of the black iron, right where it took the turn to meet the brick of the wall. and i'm sure, to anyone else, it would have just been a flare of reflection, but no one else saw it because no one else was there. just me and this tiny light which was staring right at me.

my mouth crumbled, and my dark eyes welled with tears. my hands were still shaking, posed to open the large window, posed with all my strength, half-crouched to give the window a good heave, and i collapsed back to the floor. rocking back and forth, hugging my knees, i kept my eyes wide open and fixed on that star of white. even at the low angle, it was still visible ... it never faltered or changed intensity.

i heard her voice, from far away, as if she were talking to me over the telephone, and this small light was just the receiver.

"there are things that you must learn."

tears began rolling, pouring, cascading down my cheeks. my chest heavy with pain and suffering while my precious voice closed in on itself. i crawled over to the window and pulled myself up by the radiator ... "why?" i gasped.

"please, make it stop, i can't... do this." everything i felt and all that i was going through in that thirty seconds can only be described as pain, piercing and thorough, dull and jaded, sudden and fleeting. all at once, i felt these incredible pains that made no noise at all but my silent weeping.

then it stopped.

although the sun was higher in the sky, the light did not change.

"what was..."

"in a moment ... first..."

and i stood up, awake and alive, rejeuvenated ... and overwhelmingly sustained by joy and love. my gaping mouth shut, and my hand went to cover it as more tears, of joy, danced down my cheeks. i was laughing and crying, loving and wanting to share with millions, all of you. for once, i didn't feel manufactured or fake, just pure and loved.

that too passed in a matter of thirty or so seconds.

"that is the way you make them feel. without you, the world is just pain. that was the suffering of the world you felt at first. with you, just as with every one of you, there's more to be felt. you now know what it is like to love you, all of you. that was the love of the world."

my hands dropped from my face, while my eyes remained on the light.


"it is important to know your effect, and the effect of others. that is all i can tell you now. that and just that you will know when the others understand this."



i was silent, and the light flickered.


my heart was calm.

"go and finish your work, it will come more easily now. you have got a lot to do in this world. tell them."

i took a breath, "thank you."

the light flickered. i blinked. it was gone as suddenly and without warning as it appeared. the sun was high in the sky.

i turned in toward my room, and i lit a cigarette. sitting down at my desk, i finished the last five pages without break or pause.

it is not the oracle's job to predict the future or feed you advice or trample over fate. she merely says what she sees and tells what she is told. if it's pure, than it's not wrong. if it's intentional, then it falters. but the purpose and reasoning is on the same path and will remain there until you open your doors to it.

when i first met myself, i turned away. i couldn't see myself for who i was, scared and tripping. wanting to be wrong, i closed my eyes too many times. but who i met that day, she was a brand new form with open eyes and a questioning smile who spoke often and honestly ... no matter how high the sun was in the sky.

:: 11:55 pm ::

now playing... thursday (full collapse)

heads :: tales