afford yourself.
i suppose this whole thing has brought me what i like to blanket as "perspective."
when all of this first happened, a lot of people were talking to me about regret or guilt or whatever you want to call those feelings when someone who touched you leaves without warning. but i usually stopped them in their tracks, "if i don't feel regret or guilt, why should you?" i promised to take care of him. i promised never to leave him. i thought for a while that i'd disappointed him, let him down, broken my promise. but it's not about me, i can't tell people how to feel. all i can do is offer up "perspective."
think of the thousands of people who will only know him through stories, pictures, and fuzzy dreams. think of how lucky you are to have known what it was like to see him smile, to hear the way he said your name, to feel his attitude across a table.
look around at the people you hate most, truly look at them, and wonder, "aren't we just?" feel out those who you are honestly grateful for, and listen, really listen, and wonder, "aren't we beautiful?" stare thoughtfully at those who you have always loved, and embrace, really embrace, and wonder, "aren't we radiant?"
because you are.
there is no life without conflict. we fight and love and fight harder and love harder. but there is no reason to be ungrateful. done with pettiness, done with bullshit, done with wasting time, done with dishonesty, and done with static.
argue over who forgot to bring the paper in, who should have called who, how much who drinks, who didn't feed the cat, who has to do the dishes this week. argue with passion, scream and shout and release those petty comebacks you've been thinking of for the three hours you've been pissed. argue and love, you'll truly feel alive.
but in the back of that working brain of yours, be grateful. grateful that there's a beating heart across from you. be thankful that you're being pushed. feel honestly forgiven when someone says, "i'm sorry."
be grateful that there are people out there still who never fake a smile.
i've been talking to my friends a lot about being grateful, and i know they get it.
each one of them is this piece of boy sitting across from me, making me laugh and cry and feel. each one makes my day harder and easier. each knows that i'm grateful for their smile.
