the outer rings of meeting a boy.

i used to see him everywhere.

when i started college, i was still with my high school sweetheart. but we broke up shortly before my eighteenth birthday, and i decided not to date for quite some time. i went on those so-called romantic evenings tinged with "man, i really want to get in your pants." i spent dinners rolling my eyes and walks in the park avoiding holding hands. i prevented closeness with my miraculous shield of armor. not a single man who asked me out had any sense of style or a speck of grace. they were all just passing through.

i walked into the dining hall, armed with thick text and cigarettes, to quietly proceed with my invisibility. seated at a small peaceful table, i began taking notes and devouring what was left of my assignment for the night.

suddenly, a group of six or seven kids sat down at the larger table across from me. laughing and galavanting, they all loudly chowed down. i didn't mind because i couldn't take my eyes off of his slight figure, perched knowingly in a dining hall chair, ranting about the second godfather and bullying another guy about his taste in film. a man after my own heart.

i saw him everywhere.

harvard square, copley, the psych building, movie theaters, west campus, central square ... all sightings of this mysterious man. everywhere i went, he was already there.

my first day back in boston, my sophomore year, he was on a payphone in kenmore square just around the corner from my brownstone. i stopped in my tracks, letting my mother continue walking and talking without me. three times i looked over my shoulder at his new fire engine red hair and worn trenchcoat. i shook my head and slowly headed to the bookstore with a confused mother.

my second day of class, i walk in with my head down, headphones on, pacing directly to the back corner where i always sat. i was that girl with the dark eyeliner and patches on her bag who you just didn't talk to without warning. i wore my headphones until the professor started speaking and right after he stopped until i got home safe and sound without human interaction. this time, i looked up, and he was sitting in my seat.

"i fucking hate that kid."

i stomped over to the other corner of the room, glaring at him, internally throwing daggers. the back corner was my only solace. he just smirked.

a few weeks into class, a few students had to pass around the first assignment to be critiqued.

i started reading, and thoroughly engrossed, i fell completely in love with the voice, the triumph, the touch. i wrote my comments, and i flipped over the paper to see the name.

"that kid."

we danced a delicate two-step of talking after class and walking each other home or to the comic book shop or the bookstore or whatever excuse was convenient to the other's destination.

a few months later, after not talking, after gossip through a mutual friend, after days of phone tag, boy showed up on my doorstep with a dozen roses for our first this-is-not-a-date date.

it was valentine's day.

we stayed up all night talking to each other in a darkened bedroom of what would become "griggs." well, he talked. i listened.

i listened to his stories, his jokes, his music, his intonations. i hated myself for growing attached so quickly.

our first "relationship" was anything but. i was a starstruck kid struck by this seemingly unknown star who i could never know completely. he was well... himself.

it ended badly with frantic sex and an unannounced visit from a girl-friend who turned girlfriend.

we didn't speak for five months.

i later found out a lot, found out it was not my fault, found out that he was running three of us at the same time, found out that he was sorry, found out that he was the one for me. but that's a story for another time.

boy started as an outer ring, but he quickly became inner circle and part of my chosen family.

those people in your life who penetrate and leave violent impressions, it's for a reason. it's not just wasting time or a mistake or floundering for self-evaluation. those rings rapidly become those you love without warning or circumstance. those outer rings change and shift who you become.

when i met him the first time, he caught me with brilliance.

when i met him the second time, he captured me in freedom. i asked him to never let me go, and he didn't.