don't want to think about thinking about it.

i think that i shouldn't think i'll ever enjoy working a job to get by.

i got my cell phone bill in the mail today, from the two weeks that boy was in the hospital. that, in itself, was enough to cause a rather hefty something or other terrible. i think as i opened it the entire world gasped in horror.

also, i got asked out by a customer today. he asked if i was single, and i told him that my boyfriend died a few weeks ago. what was i going to do? lie? it just came out. i didn't mean for it to sound like the worst excuse ever for not accepting a date. that was the first time anyone's shown interest in me since. i think maybe i should stop thinking that i can be eloquent or even tactful.

philosopher was kind and brought me a pbj and a banana and cookies. i worked for twelve hours today without a break. he witnessed me at my near most embarassing, making what can only be described as funny noises to make children laugh. but he said i'm good at what i do. i guess that counts for something. i think i should not think about how non-invigorating what i do is.

and all day, i was busy. that means that i only thought about boy when i took two minutes to scarf my pbj or thirty seconds to chug some water. all i could think was i don't want to think about how i haven't thought about him much today. good and bad, it scares me. i don't ever want to have to not think about him again.

my manager started to ask what happened. i couldn't bring myself to tell her what it was really like. i stayed calm cool collected. i passed the simple things, and didn't go any further.

i've never really liked meeting new people, let alone people i have to be around but don't have anything in common with. this makes me nervous and sometimes rude. i'm pretty bad at being gracefully different.