light me a cigarette and hold my hand.
how many friendships i threw away, and i still don't regret it. how many people i made feel bad about themselves, and guess what, i was only telling the truth. how many people called me a bitch, and i adored it beyond belief.
because i don't want to be different, and i don't want to be the same. i just want to live in my hole and come out for pizza once in a while with a good friend willing to back me up. but this car crash that i'm not done rubbernecking is overcoming those memories, and i'm still not willing to care. because i still don't know what to do with those quiet moments that sit tenderly in between my fingers before i figure out how to distract myself for another hour.
"What happened back there that had us Staring into the eyes of death This is all a black hole in my mind And all I know is that I keep thinking about it And I keep on crying I just keep on crying"
because this is what it takes to bring people together, to talk, to share, to live in the space of another's life, to recognize that this breathing soul is important, to befriend, to love again.
there are people you can always turn to, whether it's been a year or two or ten, and somehow, god, they're always there. i just don't know how they do it, like they're pumping my heart with their own hands because i'm too busy crying to do it myself.
on my way home tonight, i looked out the window and saw orion in the sky staring back at me. for the first time, it hit me. it smacked me across my pathetic face to the tune of he's really dead.
"i can't run away."
impossible to hide anymore, the only things i find solace in is music and camel lights. oh yeah, and you. for the care packages, the pictures, the phone calls, the stories. because what am i truly supposed to do now? climb back up on that fucking traitor of a horse? keep on keepin on? no really, what? i write and i paint and i work and i toss and turn and i watch and i laugh sometimes, but it's not fulfilling. i push and prod at my innards and come up with zilch for getting me through this one. i just keep telling myself not to give up and not to let it go, and i know exactly what not to do. but then i try closing my eyes and living with this. i see him with that same pale face with life just taken or given or lost. and no amount of wishing. no amount of hope. no amount of faith enters through my skin.
"another angel turned her back on me"
where is he now? what does he see, who is he talking to, how is he feeling... i can't believe it will take me a lifetime to learn answers left alone in the darkness.
