we have our ways.

"and i now have nothing but your heartbeat in my head and a photograph of my traveling friend ... and i became nothing when i found out you were dead, when i found out i'd never see you again."

i was reading over a letter that boy gave me before i left for austin ...

"just be strong for me, and be safe, and don't cry too much while you're driving because i'm pretty sure that's illegal in texas. i love you baby, and don't you fear a thing. i'll see you soon."

the week before my boy got sick, i had an insane urge to go see him. so, rockstar and i drove all night and surprised him. i was driven and completely decided that i was going to see him. i threatened selling my whole cd collection to buy a plane ticket before rockstar agreed that a road trip was in order.

i spent the whole week with him. we cuddled and loved and held each other like we could never let go. i hadn't been that happy in two months.

the last movie we saw together was "igby goes down." the last cd we listened to together was taking back sunday. the last time i kissed him was the saturday before he got sick.

of course, i realize now that if i hadn't spent that week with him, i could have never forgiven myself. if i had passed up my intuition when i heard about his headache, i'd be an ungrateful wreck. if i knew that the last words he spoke to me and i to him weren't "i love you," i don't think my heart would have made it. but i thank someone for sending that message to my head, i thank that someone for getting me to new orleans in time for him to kiss me back, i thank that someone for that amazing week that he was healthy and alive and my bean.

not only that, but rockstar, buddha, explorer, and philosopher all got to visit him in the two weeks before he got sick, too. there are some things that you can't write off. there are some things that you can't deny. one of those things is family. when your family knows something, they know it through and through.

one of the last nights i spent with him... we were asleep, facing each other, and i heard him mumbling. i woke up and just stared at him, and then, i pulled him closer. his eyes popped open and his breathing became gasps. i brought him even closer and told him it would be allright.

"baby, i just had the most terrible dream."

"what happened?"

"i was laying down, and i couldn't move. i was awake, but i couldn't move. and everyone was just standing over me, staring, and i couldn't move..."

"it's ok, bean, i'm here."

there are some things that you just know.