and if i don't see you, merry christmas.

my entire personality was glazed over with a thin haze of bourbon today as fifty or so friends and family paraded through my parents' home for the annual holiday bash.

my stomach kept sinking lower and lower through my knees, and my smile higher and higher to the point where i was laughing at how hard i was faking it.

i couldn't take my eyes off the air in between each person, avoiding the stares or quiet 'i'm sorry's. the air, pickled and sweet with baby's breath and adult buzz, grew warm and loud over the afternoon, baking in the sun. i locked in on the space between, keeping us apart, and i never left my safe zone once i found it. i lost sight of those rough edges and stayed with what i knew, not caring how much they looked forward to meeting me.

i'm not open for business today. let's just get me through this social occasion ... my first since his service ... and then we'll talk about careers, austin, and where i met him. until then, keep my drink from watering down and pass the fucking cheese and crackers.