villains.

i broke again into more pieces than usual after a usual conversation on a usual evening pertaining to usual things in light of death and driving yourself to do more than you want to.

i rock back and forth and i falter and sway. i eat your kind for breakfast as i purge my dinner from the night before.

when i cry, i find myself rocking, racing, heaving. explorer found me this time, on the couch. she brought me cherry coke and kleenex. i couldn't find my glasses, and the edge of my blanket was damp with tears.

it always starts with deep breaths and the perpetual motion of my rocking body, and then it elevates from my mind down into my stomach and back up through my hands to cover my face as it starts to react, and i'm just still trying to breathe, rocking back and forth.

my mom is sending me to a bereavement counselor. all i can do is keep rocking back and forth, and somehow she knows this. thank someone for that. i think we can all agree on therapy.

i'm in no way solid ground, nor am i a sounding board. i sit, sinking, in a quicksand bay with the moon rising to my back. we've all got to do it sometime ... be alone, try alone, breathe on our own.

when i feel it coming through, that quiver, that cold, i rock back and forth to make myself warm, to take my mind off of how my eyes must look. i'm not the same as i was before, and you've got to try a bit harder to know me now. i think i took it like a fucking champ until now, i think i was strong, and i think things have changed. my heart's a different shape and a bit off its normal color.

so i'll keep pushing you away. i'll tell you not to call, and i'll do my best not to answer my phone. i'll push you to my limits and yours. i'll kick you out of your own room and make yours mine. i'll scream over your music and make you listen to mine. no, i'm not angry with you. you didn't take him away, and no one can take him away from me again. and if you try to fight, i'll push you further. if you try to care, i'll push until my arms cramp up and my feet are concrete. damn you if you try to love me, i can't love you back. i can only push and scream despite what i may need.

don't talk to me, and don't look at me ... in this light, you only look like him, and the ghosts are sleeping tonight.

the ghosts are dying all over again.