not another night.

i sifted through candlelight tonight and punched the wall. i still get angry and cold and morose and afraid and even more angry. i punched until i felt my face burn, tears running warm again. muscles are sore, aching, tight and more afraid of me.

the notes are loud, buzzing, concocting in my head, vibrations slaughtering any thoughts i might have been free to have. just get it over with. turn it up, all the way, i want to feel this. don't let me forget that one day at a time, he made me happy.

it's so empty and open, and i can't feel his touch any more. there are people out there who lost him, but they fall asleep next to someone they love. there are people to hold them and hug them and wipe the tears away when they miss him ... and fuck ... what do i have to say for myself? every night is alone. my bed is crisp and unwelcoming, and i cry in my own arms. and christ, it makes me so damn angry. it makes me so mad that my eyes shut on darkness, and my hands close on to nothing until my fingers are stiff. that person, that heart, that one that was my support, my safety, my love, my arms, and mine, he's just not any more. i miss him so differently, and i'm the only one locked in this room. how do i look toward anything?

he once told me that where ever i went, love walked with me.

i believed him so much that i'm walking alone.