this shape i'm molding.
but no, we're scared of the rejection, the fighting, the small grabs at making ourselves feel better, and so please don't make me defend myself since we'll only hurt each other.
i'm being as honest as i can.
wow, what a fucking lie.
because as honest as i am, i can't do anything but cover and deceive these statements that may make you say, please don't look at me right now.
when will it be that she and i will be able to right ourselves, stop screaming on the couch, carry a conversation beyond stutters, or tell them all how we truly want to rake ourselves across that line made of razors?
but we're two small girls, all of a sudden but not so suddenly, sitting together almost crying and wondering when it will be so.
because we should all just say those awful thoughts that come to our heads from moment to second to the next, but my knees are shaking and trembling with expectation and this awful truth.
but but but ... you know? sound like a goddamn car wreck each time my tongue moves.
what if you die, what if he doesn't love me, what if the money runs out, and what if we were wrong and this isn't that real world we were taught to be so scared of....what if that real world is a lot worse and he still doesn't love me?
pitiful and foolish, i can't believe we keep on talking... but here we go because we keep insisting that we know what we want from this man this career this mind this day this now.
take it all down, secretary, because i won't repeat myself. i refuse to repeat myself. you've got to remember each syllable as it leaves my mouth.
what if you don't get that moment, that glorified time of i know exactly what i'm doing with my life. what if it ends and you still don't know how you feel about all that little shit that happened in between .. you know, when you were trying to figure out how to tell him anything?
what if it all escapes you, and you've accomplished nothing in the realm of heart or mentality or friendship because you were scared, the timing wasn't right, things weren't going as planned, it didn't add up, you didn't want to be with someone right now, geography got in the way, i was happy being the same?
take it for granted.
but then, take it home with you.
