"somewhere other than inside the out there" -- part six

it's raining here.

and you'd suspect that it has a soothing effect, pushing me to sleep, but i'm reminded of this time...

my nineteenth birthday. i wasn't so much in love with my best friend, but it was more that i thought i was. and i was lonely. this was in my stint of "i'm not dating anyone!" i was very very serious. unknowingly, i was desperate for companionship, and he was my closest friend.

so on the night of my birthday, we all went out dancing, and i sat with him on my porch, feeling the tremendous warmth from scotch searing through my face. being gung-ho on the whole honesty thing, i sat there and told him everything, all the feelings and resistance and why i had been pushing him away. and he sat there, and he told me that he didn't love me.

i never held it against him, and i didn't want this to be some ultimatum for our friendship. i just wanted him to know, so that i never kept anything from him. i didn't want anything to change, and i didn't want to put our friendship on trial.

i would have been found guilty of murder one in a goddamn heartbeat.

he didn't want to talk to me after that, but i'll give the boy credit for trying his best with an awkward situation. honorable mention to my best friend from the first two years of college, the boy who didn't smoke and was raised catholic.

but the next summer, we had somewhat haphazardly mended our friendship with some clumsy thread he found near the back of his heart. i went up to boston for the night, and i stayed with him. we went out to lunch at our favorite dive (rip delihaus). when we started to leave, a tremendous, incredible storm erupted as we opened the door.

now you've heard about cats and dogs and all that, but this was blinding catastrophic sorts of rain. the kind that you never see in boston.

we looked at each other, in that way (oh, you know the way), and took a leisurely stroll from the restaurant to the t stop. smiling and full, rain shot us down with the force of gods.

that was how our friendship ended, in my mind, on that day, when we realized that we had to let each other go. it was the last of a string of memorable times i had with him. the rest just never held a candle, and we faded.

but the rain, it brings me back to kenmore square on that day when he couldn't tell that i was crying because it blended with the rain and i was laughing, too.

and it was allright, because i knew we'd done our best. and i knew that he would always be that boy that got away, but somehow, that made it better. and somehow, i don't miss him, not like i expected.

but at that time, when i needed him most, he was there, talking me through missing my boyfriend from home, ordering pizza and watching movies with me on saturday nights, exploring boston with me, and tearing me away from my studies to walk obscene lengths of hallway. he was a good friend for his time.

anyway, so it's raining here, and it just made me think of him, that catholic boy with the light blue eyes from jersey.

what a gorgeous night to remember love.

it leaves us so simply.