"somewhere other than inside the out there" -- part eleven.

walking home tonight, i can't help but feel completely alone in all this. it's pretty typical really. but it was midnight and the street was empty except for parked cars. sweat pouring down my back from pushing my body too hard at the gym and cigarette pushed between my lips and mineral screaming in my ears and my feet methodically taking beats on the pavement and i just wanted to know that i wasn't by myself. but i knew when i got home, pried open that fucked up front door and set down my bag, i wouldn't be able to talk to anyone because this is my own. the stars can talk, you know? they can scream and rant when no one else is around. tonight, they wouldn't shut the fuck up. more than being alone, i was lonely. but it's amazing to me most of the time, truly incredible that i've lasted this long. the needle is beyond 'E' and that red line, darlin, and we're pushing fumes here in a worn out sort of world.

i'm getting ahead of myself. need to dig back into this earth surrounding me, trying to organize the innumerable clumps of dirt that resemble my past.

where were we? or where was i? since at this point, i'm probably talking to myself.

so halloween.

little side story: he was "dating" this girl from work with some name like "mindy" to go along with her thick and genuinely unpleasant, warped brighton/boston accent/attitude. she was whole-heartedly one of the worst rebound chicks that i had ever met. oh, and she really didn't like me either since i was sleeping in his bed and all. he assured me that he would never give up time with me for any piece of ass, and he didn't. he and i spent the same amount of time together, much to her dismay.

it was cute though, he would ask my opinion and then leave little notes at work. funny that she didn't know how much of his romance spun from my mouth. he didn't seem overly thrilled with her, but i think it was one of those "she'll do" scenarios. i can't honestly say, but i know if i was her, i would have hated me too.

so when i kissed him, and we made out for a good half an hour before my class that morning, it was complicated by the fact that i didn't really give a shit that he was dating this girl. he didn't seem to really be bothered by it either.

"it's weird because it's not weird." that's a direct quote from both of us when we were discussing it later that night.

but i wouldn't make that mistake again. we didn't kiss again, and we kept things the way they were before that morning without much hassle or argument on either side. we were very confused but intent on salvaging the bungled morning to send home with other nonsequitors in an unmarked brown envelope.

halloween came.

now, by this time, we had a little group going on. i've mentioned this group before. by invitation by some of our clan, i went over to griggs to join them in festivities. boy had to attend a halloween party over at "mindy's" house out of some strange sense of obligation to this month long toil he'd gotten himself into, and he was unmoved by our pleas to come with us to a party nearby. that year, i was dressed in tight black jeans and a babydoll shirt that sequined "fierce bitch" across my chest. my eyes were purple shadowed from my brow to my jawline, dark and over the top. my hair was teased high and then brought back with a clip. i wore a nametag that just said "god." it wasn't terribly clever but it was all that i could come up with that year on such short notice. boy went as american psycho, and it was the only time i have ever seen him with his hair combed. i had to part his hair for him because he didn't know how. he wore a simple suit and overcoat. and our friend, rockstar, had given the apartment a mannequin head previous to this. at boy's request, i painted the bottom of the neck bright dripping red. he carried it around with him. i really wanted to make him a business card, but there wasn't time. oh shit, nevermind, that was the year after when he went to a friend's party. i didn't see him that night, but i think he was the crow or something.

so we went to the party, and i ended up sitting on the lawn with philosopher. we went back to the apartment, and sat around until i decided it was time for me to go home.

they tried to get me to stay, but i wasn't going to wait any longer for boy to come home. so i left and ended up going to another party with my roommate.

on actual halloween night, the next night, we procured acronyms and took them liberally. i reclined on his bed and majestically remained there the entire evening.

but, again, neither here nor there.

at one point, sometime that week, i was waiting for him to come back from "mindy's" or whatever, and finally, got up to leave at around four in the morning. but philosopher and goth were having none of it. they begged, and i put on my coat. they pleaded, and i wrapped my scarf around my neck. finally, they tickled and wrestled me to the floor where they handcuffed my wrist to my ankle with an ancient pair of cuffs that had been a decorative accent over a license plate in the hallway for god knows how long. of course, it was only after the clicks that philosopher remembered that they didn't have the key.

enter buddha. first time i ever met this boy, and i'm on the floor laughing because my hand and my foot are joined without promise of separation until morning. he ever so patiently sits and picks the lock on both ends. brilliant motherfucker has me free in under twenty minutes. thank god boarding school is good for something.

that was the moment that i realized how amazingly loved i was by these people. i mean, it's not everyone that will handcuff you to yourself to get you to stay another few hours.

anyway...

a little over a week later, i was laying on his bed, and he was tooling around his room. we had spent the evening covering or discarding the ex's posters and knickknacks. (the majority of her hooplah was still in the apartment as her new thing's apartment was tiny.) i had just hung a tapestry over his bed for him (he was five three, remember), and i was laying there, admiring my defined ability to hang things where i'm told to hang things. he said something, i truly forget what it was, but it was something off the cuff and a bit rude. and i had just hung this thing in a brilliant hangy sort of way just for him, and i said, "don't be mean, why are you being mean to me?"

"i'm not being mean. you wish i was mean. why do chicks always dig pain?"

"it's not the pain. it just makes things easier to deal with if you were really mean."

"what on earth do you have to deal with?"

"falling in love with you, moron."

"oh ... bitch!"

"what?"

"i'm being mean to you."

innocent and awkward pause.

"i'm gonna go brush my teeth."

and he went to the bathroom. i could hear the water run for a moment. pause. a bit more water. swish swish swash.

and he came back to the doorway, brushing his teeth, and he stared at me, laying on his bed (still admiring the hangy-ness) with my eyebrows raised and my token smirk. he just stood there and continued moving the toothbrush through his mouth. then he returned to the bathroom, and i heard the water running again.

now, we had said 'i love you' to each other before this point. but as i've said before, it was because that's what friends do when it's an honest sort of bound. obviously, this struck a different sort of chord. that whole 'in' preposition.

he returned to the doorway, in his boxers and t-shirt which he always wore to bed. he kind of put his hands on his hips, and he kind of stood there shifting his weight but refusing to commit to any pose or movement.

"well, what are we going to do about this?"

"i don't know. what do you think about all of this?"

"i think, well... i say, we turn off the light and see what happens."

and so he turned off the light.

and he got into bed next to me.

and you remember in the princess bride, i know it was in the book, but i'm not sure if it was in the movie. he talks about the five greatest kisses of all time.

i believe we put them all to shame.

it's never really been about sex, unless you don't really know this kind of love. a kiss is the most intimate and cherished closeness beyond whether or not they're a good lay. but it's nice when the sex follows suit.

before i ever actually met him, i had seen him everywhere on campus and off. i saw him in the most bizarre places all around boston. just strange places that you would never expect to run into people. i wasn't even really running into him because i'd never spoken to him, but i saw him everywhere for a full year before i ever talked to him. he saw me too, he told me later. i thought he had this outlandish purpose. i thought he was imaginary. i thought he could be everything i had ever wanted. i thought he was an omen, a sign. i hadn't said word one to this boy, and already, i was thick with sweat, thinking i could love him for even existing.

well, needless to say, that night complicated things a bit more, but neither of us really seemed to mind that he was still seeing "mindy" and that our relationship made too much sense.

our kingdom was overthrown. we had nothing left to give over to each other. it made us smile. it made us light.