"somewhere other than inside the out there." --part twenty eight.
i never had much to say while i was growing up, even though i would talk and talk ... i merely felt as though there was space to be filled, and who was i not to at least try to fill it.
it's changed now, because when there is space, i let it grow.
while there is love locked away, protected by a ghastly curb that you will always stub your toe on, i swallowed the key a long time ago.
today, the doctor made me touch my nose, close my eyes and sway. "are you dizzy now?" yes. then i had to squeeze his fingers with my hands. "does that hurt?" no. then i had to lean all the way back on the table with my head hanging off the edge, turn it all the way to one side, and sit up. "are you dizzy?" yes.
so he gave me pills and a patch to help my balance. i have been stoned on medication all day, and this has to continue for two weeks? christ.
these were the exact same neurological tests the doctor used on boy.
i'm getting ahead of myself.
there are no rights or wrongs in love. it is what it is, healthy and prodding. there are people that you never want to fall in love with, and the next thing you know, you're in it up to your neck. there are times when it was the last thing you ever wanted, but you got it. it's a fucking bastard.
there is no equation, and i think we all know that. it makes the debaucle frustating and extremely desirable. you don't even know when you're wrapped all over with duct tape, unable to move, cocooned in emotions you never wanted in the first place.
but, it feels so damn good.
this story is getting a bit ovewhelming.
but, i did promise you that i'd get to everything, and i'm trying my hardest to tell the entire story. four years is a hefty chunk of time, and i still feel like i'm leaving half of it out, floating in a strange wind. some of them though, they're just for me.
round about the fourth of july, boy and i conjurred up an idea. things weren't looking so hot financially, and i was miserable. desperately, i wanted to stay with him, be close, and stop having to worry about the little shit that brings you down.
we decided, for my own sanity, that i had to move. this was a mutual decision, and what was later deemed as probably the worst decision we could have made.
he wanted to follow me; and i wanted him near. he had to finish school, and i needed a real job which new orleans had none of.
it was just another decision that had to be made. just one of those things that the door was shut on before we had a chance to really think.
he just wanted me to be happy.
the only thing that made me happy was him.
the summer was laying on top of our smallish bodies, eroding our will. we tried to pretend that we'd be allright, that even five hundred miles couldn't keep love from us, but it just made us cry more and hold each other tightly. if we hadn't spent every moment together before ... even our breaths were synchronized, and we craved the same foods.
you try to think back on those decisions you made muling over what should or could have been done ... if you'd just thought for one more moment before the deadbolt slid into place. these milestones, carved into a stone, they make you realize that we live in an only possible world.
there are only possible futures, and you have a finger on each one.
