"somewhere other than inside the out there." -- part thirty five.

it was about three in the morning of the sunday rockstar and i were supposed to leave. i had just hung up the phone with boy, and with all my might, i had kept my exciting little secret, that i would see him that evening.

i laid in my bed, and i stared at the ceiling i had come to know so well. the shadows of my ceiling fan formed a double plus sign, and there was a crack of light from where the tapestry didn't quite cover the streetlight. i kicked my feet up and down. i threw my legs up in the air, and barefoot, i balanced one of my pillows on the tips of my toes. i do this when i'm trying to sleep.

i rolled over, and i put my ear to the door that led out to the porch (it was blocked by my bed). there was someone on the porch. i knocked on the door.

"YES?"

rockstar came into my room.

"i can't sleep."

"me, neither."

and so we chatted for a bit.

we were both a bit jittery and excited. we were more excited about surprising him than going to new orleans. i didn't give a shit about new orleans. i was going to go see my boy.

around four in the morning, we decided to get breakfast and leave.

we drove to the allnight diner that we all frequent.

i ordered a bowl of oatmeal with bananas.

rockstar got something with sausage and gravy that looked more like a medieval dinner.

five in the morning, we hopped in the car and drove nine hours to new orleans.

i called boy's new roommate who worked at the restaurant on the corner near the apartment. i told her not to be alarmed when she came home to two people sleeping on the floor. she laughed and said that it would be good to finally meet me.

i opened that old gray door and led rockstar up the flight of stairs. i let us into the apartment, and i took in all the changes that had been made to thee furniture, to our old bedroom, to our old living room (which was now boy's room).

rockstar grabbed a pillow and crashed out on the floor.

i passed out in boy's bed, a futon that his dad and stepmom had given him after i moved.

a few hours later, a light flipped on.

"hello?! who's in there?"

my eyes opened, and i saw boy's head peering into his own room.

"bean?" and my tired voice gave him all the reason he needed. he tripped over rockstar and came to the side of the bed.

"is that really you? are you really ... what are you doing here? oh my god, you came to see me. i can't believe you came to see me!" and he kissed me and threw his arms around me. i was laughing and smiling. all i was, at that moment, was laughing and smiling.

rockstar propped himself up on his elbows, "what's up, dude?"

and my boy began to laugh and laugh and laugh.

in five hundred thousand years, i could never let that face leave my memory. a completely surprised and bewildered boy, off the walls with happiness to see me. we held each other for a long time that night.

for me, it's like we never let each other go.