found grace, ten percent off and slightly used.

it's all taken its fair turn at bashing me upside the head, but i nearly forgot that i am of steel blood and just as many points as curves.

i will.

i have to.

i will.

when i decided to do this, fuck ... when i even decided to apply for schools overseas, i knew precisely what i was in for, and i didn't give a shit.
i remember distinctly receiving the acceptance letter a couple of days after i was home from france.
i sat on my bed in that small blue room in austin (remember when i painted it? remember how i cried myself to sleep at leaving boy in nawlins?). i sat there, and i read the letter over and over to myself, not fully understanding.
i called my dad, "dad, i need your help with something. i'm going to read you this letter, and you tell me what it means."
and i read the letter out loud over my cell phone.
"it sounds like my girl's going to ireland."
until the moment that i stepped off the plane here, i didn't believe it. it was everything that he and my boy and my brothers and my mom and my other mom and each one of my friends were ever hoping for me. it was a chance.
it was the opportunity to finally start over. to pack each sadness carefully into my duffel and to examine them in a new light. to toss away every moment of heat that held me down. to say farewell by choice and with only superficial heartache. to create someone in this heart that was left empty a couple years ago.
i have to admit that it's taken me a couple of months to realize that i have this time and that is what this time is for.
it is a good solid rest.
it is an opportunity to drop the first stone, but only to my side.
it is time to build a new bridge.

i am being given time to do with what i may.

it is a year long vacation from everything i knew.

what the hell have i been doing for the past two months?

i have been coming to terms with this fact. after working so hard since i was fifteen, i have no job. after being told that i was strong, i'm finally believing it. after two years of living as a shadow, i'm ready to feel out and mend the pain that has wasted me away. that, my friends, is a truly difficult lot to come to terms with, and having it all thrust upon you over such a short period of time, you can imagine how lost i felt.

but, i am also convinced, that the hardest bit is through.

i have never been a terribly optimistic girl, but here, i find myself talking people through smaller things. if i have gained anything over this 'past' it is a firm grasp on perspective.

i am killing demons.

i am sculpting hope from this ash.

i am.

i will.