it smells like the inside of an airplane here.

come on. shower me with the overwhelming internet praise that i require.

you missed me.

i'm back.

and i've been thinking ... over this terrible chest infection and losing my job and watching my shrinking bank account and nursing a sick muse... i've been thinking.

you see, after all that hubbaloo and all those nights ... in case you hadn't noticed. i've gone and done it again. i've fallen in love. and surprisingly enough, this time, it's not with myself.

when i came here ... what, ten months ago now? there were so many more nights to go through before i could look forward to the day. four months before i moved here, i was told that i possessed every single last symptom of clinical depression. what my therapist didn't recognize though is that i was still grieving, and to a point, i will always be grieving.

i lost my best friend over two years ago. he was my best friend and my love and he was everything to me.

i didn't understand until last week that i'll be grieving for the rest of my life.

the nightmares came back, as they do from time to time. i woke up soaked in pain and hoarse from screaming. i had woken my boyfriend as well. he didn't say a damn thing. he just lay there and wrapped his arms around me. he rocked me without needing explanation. i fell back to sleep.

over the past week, i've had yet another awakening. my dreams have come back to fold and wrap over me, suffocate my sleep. and i stretch their wool, but i'll never be free.

i'll never be free.

but i know that i can love in the confines of my heart-head.