system requirements.

so yesterday was a quiet day at home, except for my little jaunt to philosopher's abode for some grilled cheese and tomato soup and then to explorer and i's favorite coffeeshop for some chai.

i wanted to celebrate, bake a cake, blow up some balloons, drink some beer, finish boy's birthday present, call everyone i knew and say, "happy boy's birthday!"

but i just couldn't bring myself to anything.

i sat in my room.

i stared at my empty bed.

i petted dr. gonzo and soleil.

i flipped through some pictures.

i sat in my room some more.

it just doesn't fit, me in this world. i feel like a colorform pounded into a three dimensional world that swirls all round me, peeling at the edges.

i suppose you can't take it with you when you pass. i begged and pleaded and threatened and bribed and wished that he would take me with him. that i would be comfortable in his arms again. that love would stay. that this time i blinked it would be my last.

i was disappointed when i woke up this morning and tested the cold with the tip of my nose, noting that it was still there along with me.

the small of my back told me that i still had work to do. my numb fingers delegated the tasks that still await them. my mouth opened to whisper that life still has purpose. my curling toes screamed that why was not a question. and my heart just kept beating without even asking me first.

i'm sorry, i don't even have attention to pay you. i'm riding this out, naked and trembling with the last person who understood under my belt and itchy eyes. put it on my tab, i'm going to be here a while.