anything is better.

i have so many wrong words in my head; words that don't fit definitions or connotations that we're all used to using on such a frequent basis.

i close my eyes, and all i see are his eyes, fluttering up and down. i don't want to see these pictures anymore. it makes me wake myself up to the little noises i make when i sleep. it makes me shudder, and it makes me scared. i'll roll over, and it won't be gone.

i turn up the music, and all i hear is the respirator, heavily up and down. my head is in the hospital, and it won't come back.

i need something quiet and dim. unassuming and distracting. i want to see him like i used to. the hospital won't leave my head like it's found home here inside.