"somewhere other than inside the out there." -- part thirty three.
coasting through where i was when it all happened. strong long corridors of doors piled on doors in a dark string of memory.
i happen upon the first time he showed up at my door.
upon watching him put a shirt on without taking the cigarette out of his mouth.
upon throwing dinner rolls at each other across the living room.
i was saying goodbye to him. we were crying, and my mother was waiting at the corner.
it was early morning in a motionless august day.
i've beat myself up about that day for a year and a half now. taking each kick and punch like the wimpering wuss i am.
i talked to him for three out of the eight hours i was driving to austin, and my mom followed behind my car with a uhaul.
there's a lot of regret still sitting in the pocket of the shorts i wore that day, clumped and nasty from many washes.
i've just gotten word that i'll be leaving austin soon. two and a half months. i've just gotten word that come fall, i'll be learning under the blue skies of ireland.
i wonder where my regrets will lie once i'm over the ocean, or maybe i'll let them fall. no parachute for heavy burdens. maybe i'll wait, pack them carefully through customs, and toss them into the river corrib to see them float downstream. perhaps, i'll hold onto one or two, for old times sake, to remember that i used to be worse at being a person.
i found a note as i was looking for my wallet in my bag. "BEAN" and he told me not to cry. and he told me that he loved me. and he told me that it would get better soon.
i sobbed for the first two hours of I-10.
when my mom and i found austin that night, nine hours and four dr. peppers later, we unpacked the truck, i fell onto my bed, i sobbed into the pillow. i didn't want to be there. my room ached with heat. it was an an ugly sort of ecru. nothing worked.
why did i do this to myself?
oh, it was a pity party with me myself and i invited.
i spent a week in austin before heading up north to housesit for my parents for a few weeks.
september passed with little more than phone calls and bad movies on satellite tv.
