what's next?
i don't feel any regret, and i don't feel any guilt about the life we led together.
we have buttons all over our messenger bags, the ones that people would stop on the train to read. whenever one of those buttons fell off of one of our bags, we'd look at each other and say "well, now, someone else gets our small triumph of wit."
now, someone else has my small triumph of life. i just wasn't ready to let it go.
this weekend, i met some of boy's friends who i had never met before ... high school buddies and ex-girlfriends who i probably would have never met. sad and deranged that it took these circumstances for me to meet the souls that had shaped a core, i have no words of solace, and i can give no wisdom to hearts still breaking.
all i can do is offer up the same promise i made to boy ... "i'll take care of you." i can only open my arms with infinite time to each person that holds a piece of him in their heart, as though i'm holding him. i can only cry with them. i can only be there and say he loves you so.
i talked to his mother this morning, "well, you have a mission, now," she stated as though i already knew because i did.
he's all i had in the world. now, all i have is you.
i'm done with pettiness, and i'm done with being quiet. i'm done with bickering, and i'm done with secrets. i'm done with anger, and i'm done with wasting time.
you see, about two months ago, i tried to move and start anew here in austin. it never worked out that way. boy and i just talked two or three times a day, ending each evening with "i love you and goodnight." i was starting anew, but it was just a different change than i had anticipated. there was not a new life, just an altered version. they couldn't tear us apart, even with poverty and miles. distance is no object, and love is not vain.
you see, i'm just a girl. i don't know what i'm doing; i've just never done this before. he's only a heartbeat away, and if anyone can hear me, he can.
