i was so reliant.
suddenly, i was there with you. my breath sounded loud and echoing through my ears. i pleaded and begged for you to stay with me. you stood right in front of me, wrapped in dark. you reached out for me, and you touched my heart with just one finger as yourself faded in and out, flickering.
i kept my eyes closed, making sure not to let any light in to remind me of where i actually was, some garage with cement floors and cold air. i felt you, right there, and you were breathing, alive without transluscence. it was what i've wanted for so long, and at the same time, it was so disappointing to know that i had to keep my eyes closed to see any bit of you.
"she should know better."
"the only thing that will make this better is ... "
"... is if he came back for you. i understand."
and i know that she did ... understand. that doesn't make it better or easier, just apparent.
i miss his way. his way of coming back and standing up and saving me from anything destructive. he was the first person to ever tell me that i wasn't crazy. until that moment, i'd held my head low in my self-indulgent insanity, embarassed and scared. but he told me that everything i saw and heard and was ... that was legitimate and valid and even hopeful.
now, i'm just crazy. i don't tell people things anymore, not the things i see or hear. i'm different now, restrained and quiet to those things that i learned and knew so well. that person died with him, laying her head on his chest, kissing his temple, and feeling around for hope.
but i saw him that night, and i know i'm crazy. i also know that he was there, feeling for me in that same darkness.
